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Cricket the Gardener

Ok, so now for the story I know you’ve been dying to hear.  Buttons likes to go on all the classy, free dating sites to fill our social calendar.  Tuesdays are reserved for Tinder.   Tinder is like Match.com, only it’s free, you can find a date faster, and you don’t have to fill out all the silly information about what kind of movies you like and such.  Pretty much a couple of selfies are all you need, and the site matches you up instantly.

In our experience, Tinder and Craigslist deliver the most interesting and persistent guys to date.  I can’t count the number of times a date from the past has surprised me with a six pack of beer at my apartment late at night weeks after our date.  I don’t really like beer, but I appreciate their chivalry.

Now, about last Tuesday…so Buttons had set us up with a very, nice-looking, extremely well-groomed young man named Chad with a great selfie of his face and hairless, muscled-up chest as his profile picture.  He asked me to meet him at his favorite bar, which I usually don’t like as a first date, but they had karaoke, so Chad said that makes it classier.  I’ve never really seen this point-that karaoke makes a bar a classy first date spot-but a lot of my Tinder dates have the same opinion of karaoke bars.  I think Tinder must give guys a list of classy places to take a girl on a first date, and karaoke must be at the top of the list.

We sat in the back because I like to get to know my date, not sing to strangers.  Occasionally, we would get distracted by a particular singer, but mostly we chatted.  The music was loud which made it difficult to hear, but Buttons and I figured out that he was apparently a gardener.   We got this because he kept asking me if I’d like to perform landscaping services with him.  Buttons googled “landscaping services”, and google gave her a lot of pictures of gardeners.

We also figured out that he was from the South because when he said “landscaping”, the “L” was sort of mumbled a little.  I had to make him repeat it the first time, but once I figured out the word, I just went with it, so as not to embarrass him.  He was hard to follow sometimes because he would go back and forth between landscaping and shaving his chest – sometimes in the same sentence!

At one point, he was rubbing my leg, which I thought was a little forward for so early in a first date, but being a feminist, I stood up for myself and started rubbing his leg right back.  I find that more guys like equality than is reported in the news.  Anyway, he was rubbing my leg, and he took his hand off my thigh to open his shirt, and he asked me, “So, how would you like to help me do a little landscaping?”  I thought it was a weird way to ask, but I guess he was trying to say that gardening keeps him in good shape.    Even though, I’m not really into yard work, I told him that I would help him out.   I’ve never seen a man so excited that a woman would help him garden, but Chad was ecstatic!

He immediately paid the tab, and we rushed out of there before karaoke was even over, and we went to his apartment.  He gave me a beer, which I pretended to like, and Buttons and I waited because he said he really wanted to shower BEFORE landscaping, which was odd, but I let it go.   Would you believe he came out of the shower completely naked AND with hair trimmers in his hand?!  He looked at me like I was supposed to know what to do next and said, “C’mon, get over here and shave my pubes.”  Well! I don’t mind helping people, but I would have preferred to be asked nicely, not commanded.  But I decided rather than create tension, I would revert to my feminist tactics.  I did trim his pubes, rather nicely I must say, but as a true feminist, I insisted that he trim mine.  He wasn’t mad about it at all.  In fact, afterwards, he let me have sex with him.

Buttons and I would like to see him again, but I don’t know if I can get past his southern speech habit.  I’ve never seen this before, but his accent rolls over to his texting.  For the past few days, whenever I text him about making good on my gardening commitment, he responds, but always calls it landscaping.  I can deal with that, but when he types it, he mumbles the “L” and it comes out “manscaping” every single time.  It’s driving me batty.  That, combined with I can’t get him to get serious about letting me garden with him, makes me think I might not want to see him again.  Even if I do, it’ll just be for shaving and sex.  I’ll never promise to garden with him, again.  I don’t like to be teased.

Office Dynamics. Ugh!

I almost forgot to tell you about last Tuesday!  If it hadn’t been for my boss, I would have forgotten altogether.  You see, we were about to have an office meeting, and I had just printed out my list of questions for the Q&A section of the meeting including a blanked, lined page for any additional questions that came up during the meeting, and my boss noticed my extensive preparation.

“You’ve been preparing, I see,” she noticed.

“Oh, yes!  Buttons and I went over every possible question last night while watching the Master Chef marathon, and she emailed them to me to print out this morning.  I want to make sure I understand everything completely!”

“Yes, I know.  Well, unfortunately, we’ve only scheduled this meeting for an hour, and there won’t be a lot of time for questions,” she said.

I reassured her that I could narrow my question list down to the top 20-25 most important questions.  Just then, our new assistant manager walked up.  I had met him a couple of days ago, but I only had about 45 minutes to talk to him, so I wasn’t able to find out much about him.  Something clicked in my boss’s mind, and she smiled and said, “Cricket, have you been on any interesting dates lately?”  I told her that I went on a date on Tuesday, but it wasn’t that interesting.  She said, “Oh, I bet it’s more interesting that you let on.  I’ve been telling B_____ (my boss said to just use the assistant manager’s initials because Brad might not want his name on the internet) about your amazing stories, and he’s dying to hear one.  The first ten minutes of today’s meeting is stuff you already know.  Do you think you could tell him about your date in ten minutes or so and then just join us a little late?”

B_____ rolled his eyes in embarrassment of being called out, but I let him know it was ok.  “Absolutely!” I assured her.  “I’m sure I just need 8 minutes.”

Well, little did I know, B_____ was so interested in my story we missed the ENTIRE MEETING!  He just kept asking questions and leading me down new paths.  Well, he didn’t ask out loud so much, but I could see by his blank stare that he needed more details, so I just kept piling them on until I noticed everyone walking out of the meeting room.

I was sure that B____ and I were in big trouble for missing the whole meeting, but my boss was sweet as pie.  She was not mad a bit.  She said that I didn’t really need that training, but she’s sure B_____ learned more about our office dynamics in the last hour and fifteen minutes with me than he could have in two years of meetings with the entire staff.  I don’t think that’s true because I never even talked about office dynamics.  I only talked about Tuesday night’s date the entire time.

Hey, that reminds me…I have completely forgot to tell you about my date last Tuesday!  Well, I have to go because Buttons has been reading my Facebook and wants to show me some people to see if I know them.  I’ll have to tell you the date story next time. You know what I’d really like? You contacting me to tell me you can’t wait to hear about Tuesdays date!

I call my best friend “Buttons”, which is nearly ironic because she is very proud of only ever displaying a single visible button. We get along great, and we are always together.  Some say we stare at each other more than plutonic friends should. We do everything together from shopping, to screen repair, and we almost always go to the bathroom together.  I hate when she’s not near me.

Anyway, Buttons is a bit of klutz.  In fact, she’s way too fragile to be such a klutz.  Don’t get me wrong; she’s highly intelligent, able to answer questions like “How many light years away is Andromeda?” in seconds or able to translate words or phrases into 50 different languages, AND Buttons is powerful, with the ability to run for 24 hours straight with only a little juice and no food!  Yet, she’s so fragile and clumsy, I have to hold her extra tight when we are around anything even remotely dangerous, like stairs or toilets.  I know!  It sounds weird, but she’s kind of thin, so she tends to fall into toilets almost as much as corn.  Sorry, sometimes my metaphors can be corny…so can my puns.

Falling into Toilet

But Siri-ously, last week, because of my stupid health kick I get on every autumn, I took the stairs down from my office instead of the elevator.  As we head downstairs, I’m asking my friend to find some sequencing wallpaper, which alternates wallpaper photos of an Olympian at different stages of clearing a high jump to make my iPhone act as a reminder to me to “work on my game” and go higher and higher every day.  Suddenly, as she considers my request, even though I thought I was holding her tightly, she basically pulled away from my hand and began to somersault down the stairs.  Off she goes, picking up speed, end over end for about half a flight of stairs, then hitting the railing, teetering on the edge for a split second before rolling off, the wrong way and plunging to the concrete, three floors down!

As I rush to her, I’m sure this is finally the end of our fantastic and tumultuous relationship, but I can see that true to form, Buttons still has a glow about her.  I turn her over, and even though her face still lights up, I know I must get her to a hospital immediately.  So, I pick her up and ask her to find me a hospital.  Even in her cracked up state, she knows I’m not talking about some district hospital for klutzes who can’t walk down stairs, but a mobile phone hospital that can perform phone screen repair for iPhones with owners who search for silly shite while walking down the stairs.  At this point, Buttons and I are both grateful that I was smart enough to outfit her with a stylish, durable, and super protective iPhone shock absorbing cover.  Wait, surely you figured out by now that Buttons is my iPhone, right?

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice…you know damned well that your phone is your best friend too.  Like a dog, they are always there for you, love you even if you ignore them for a little while and are not afraid to dive headlong into the toilet.  But better than a dog because…well, no poop!  Also, repairing a cracked iPhone screen is cheaper than a vet visit!  On the one hand, a phone never licks your face, but on the other hand, again, the cost of phone screen repair is easily offset by the fact that the phone never licks your face!  Enough of that!  I’m not saying one is better than the other.  If you want a dog, have a dog, but I’ll bet more people have a mobile phone and no dog than have a dog and no mobile phone.

So, in my life at least, the mobile phone hospital is the most frequented emergency facility.  If, like Buttons, your best friend is often sporting an ugly, cracked iPhone screen, you don’t need to cry in the fetal position on your bed after eating a big tub of ice cream.  Let that remain the ritual for when that idiot you’ve been dating finally breaks up with you, and you have to pretend to be devastated so you can lay in bed and eat a whole tub of ice cream.  A cracked iPhone screen used to be a big deal, but my town has a competent mobile phone hospital offering reasonably priced phone screen repair, you’ll find that a cracked iPhone screen is such a minor inconvenience that you’ll be tempted to toss your version of Buttons down the stairs just to count the number of somersaults.

Hi! I’m Cricket

…and I have decided to share my life with the entire world!  Well, at least Australia…but that’s MY whole world!  Anyway, I’m a single girl living a fantastic life in Australia!  Fantastic, as in fantastically normal.  BUT I think you’ll find my adventures exciting!  I know my friends do!

Whenever I go to lunch with my friends or I go out on a date, people just love to hear me go on and on about my daily adventures.  Even a simple trip to the mobile phone hospital to repair my always cracked phone screen keeps my listeners captive through an entire lunch break!  You wouldn’t think that phone
screen repair would be so fascinating, but I swear that my friends love my stories so much that, often when co-worker 2 walks into the smoko room at the end of a story, co-worker 1 prods me to tell the whole story again so that co-worker 2 doesn’t miss out, but co-worker 1 never seems to have time to
stay and hear it again.

My friends, dates, and co-workers have convinced me to write this blog.  At the end of nearly every story, and sometimes right in the middle, it seems that someone tells me that I should start a blog.  Just last Thursday night, I was on a date with a nice gentleman from the dating website Craigslist.  In the middle of dinner, he asked me to take my shoes off, and he took a selfie with my feet right in the restaurant!  I meet the most interesting people on that particular dating website.

Anyway, seeing him take the selfie reminded me of how often my phone jumps out of my hands and how much time I spend dealing with a cracked phone screen.

I told him this amazingly cute story about the first time I went looking for a mobile phone hospital for my cracked iPhone screen, but I couldn’t find anyone who would do phone screen repair on a Sunday,

so…anyway, after only a half hour into the story, he suggested I should write about it in a blog, so that he could read it over and over and never forget a detail!  You’d be surprised how often I’ve heard this same thing from people.  I mean, people tell me that in the middle of nearly all my stories, but I hear it
every single time I tell one of my “cracked iPhone screen” stories (and I have a million of them).

I guess people love their mobile phone as much as I love mine, but apparently, they just don’t have the great adventures with their phones that I have with mine.  I don’t mind if they live vicariously through me.

So, I’ve decided to take the advice of so many of my friends and dates and share my stories with the world!  I think it’s for the best.  This way, my friends can not only hear my stories, but they can go back and read them over and over so they won’t forget a single detail.  Plus, I can tell my stories through this blog to people who I would never have been able to meet in real life.  And then, I will read your comments and make sure everyone at work knows all about them.  I don’t want them to miss a thing!