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Cricket the Gardener

Ok, so now for the story I know you’ve been dying to hear.  Buttons likes to go on all the classy, free dating sites to fill our social calendar.  Tuesdays are reserved for Tinder.   Tinder is like Match.com, only it’s free, you can find a date faster, and you don’t have to fill out all the silly information about what kind of movies you like and such.  Pretty much a couple of selfies are all you need, and the site matches you up instantly.

In our experience, Tinder and Craigslist deliver the most interesting and persistent guys to date.  I can’t count the number of times a date from the past has surprised me with a six pack of beer at my apartment late at night weeks after our date.  I don’t really like beer, but I appreciate their chivalry.

Now, about last Tuesday…so Buttons had set us up with a very, nice-looking, extremely well-groomed young man named Chad with a great selfie of his face and hairless, muscled-up chest as his profile picture.  He asked me to meet him at his favorite bar, which I usually don’t like as a first date, but they had karaoke, so Chad said that makes it classier.  I’ve never really seen this point-that karaoke makes a bar a classy first date spot-but a lot of my Tinder dates have the same opinion of karaoke bars.  I think Tinder must give guys a list of classy places to take a girl on a first date, and karaoke must be at the top of the list.

We sat in the back because I like to get to know my date, not sing to strangers.  Occasionally, we would get distracted by a particular singer, but mostly we chatted.  The music was loud which made it difficult to hear, but Buttons and I figured out that he was apparently a gardener.   We got this because he kept asking me if I’d like to perform landscaping services with him.  Buttons googled “landscaping services”, and google gave her a lot of pictures of gardeners.

We also figured out that he was from the South because when he said “landscaping”, the “L” was sort of mumbled a little.  I had to make him repeat it the first time, but once I figured out the word, I just went with it, so as not to embarrass him.  He was hard to follow sometimes because he would go back and forth between landscaping and shaving his chest – sometimes in the same sentence!

At one point, he was rubbing my leg, which I thought was a little forward for so early in a first date, but being a feminist, I stood up for myself and started rubbing his leg right back.  I find that more guys like equality than is reported in the news.  Anyway, he was rubbing my leg, and he took his hand off my thigh to open his shirt, and he asked me, “So, how would you like to help me do a little landscaping?”  I thought it was a weird way to ask, but I guess he was trying to say that gardening keeps him in good shape.    Even though, I’m not really into yard work, I told him that I would help him out.   I’ve never seen a man so excited that a woman would help him garden, but Chad was ecstatic!

He immediately paid the tab, and we rushed out of there before karaoke was even over, and we went to his apartment.  He gave me a beer, which I pretended to like, and Buttons and I waited because he said he really wanted to shower BEFORE landscaping, which was odd, but I let it go.   Would you believe he came out of the shower completely naked AND with hair trimmers in his hand?!  He looked at me like I was supposed to know what to do next and said, “C’mon, get over here and shave my pubes.”  Well! I don’t mind helping people, but I would have preferred to be asked nicely, not commanded.  But I decided rather than create tension, I would revert to my feminist tactics.  I did trim his pubes, rather nicely I must say, but as a true feminist, I insisted that he trim mine.  He wasn’t mad about it at all.  In fact, afterwards, he let me have sex with him.

Buttons and I would like to see him again, but I don’t know if I can get past his southern speech habit.  I’ve never seen this before, but his accent rolls over to his texting.  For the past few days, whenever I text him about making good on my gardening commitment, he responds, but always calls it landscaping.  I can deal with that, but when he types it, he mumbles the “L” and it comes out “manscaping” every single time.  It’s driving me batty.  That, combined with I can’t get him to get serious about letting me garden with him, makes me think I might not want to see him again.  Even if I do, it’ll just be for shaving and sex.  I’ll never promise to garden with him, again.  I don’t like to be teased.

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