I call my best friend “Buttons”, which is nearly ironic because she is very proud of only ever displaying a single visible button. We get along great, and we are always together. Some say we stare at each other more than plutonic friends should. We do everything together from shopping, to screen repair, and we almost always go to the bathroom together. I hate when she’s not near me.
Anyway, Buttons is a bit of klutz. In fact, she’s way too fragile to be such a klutz. Don’t get me wrong; she’s highly intelligent, able to answer questions like “How many light years away is Andromeda?” in seconds or able to translate words or phrases into 50 different languages, AND Buttons is powerful, with the ability to run for 24 hours straight with only a little juice and no food! Yet, she’s so fragile and clumsy, I have to hold her extra tight when we are around anything even remotely dangerous, like stairs or toilets. I know! It sounds weird, but she’s kind of thin, so she tends to fall into toilets almost as much as corn. Sorry, sometimes my metaphors can be corny…so can my puns.
But Siri-ously, last week, because of my stupid health kick I get on every autumn, I took the stairs down from my office instead of the elevator. As we head downstairs, I’m asking my friend to find some sequencing wallpaper, which alternates wallpaper photos of an Olympian at different stages of clearing a high jump to make my iPhone act as a reminder to me to “work on my game” and go higher and higher every day. Suddenly, as she considers my request, even though I thought I was holding her tightly, she basically pulled away from my hand and began to somersault down the stairs. Off she goes, picking up speed, end over end for about half a flight of stairs, then hitting the railing, teetering on the edge for a split second before rolling off, the wrong way and plunging to the concrete, three floors down!
As I rush to her, I’m sure this is finally the end of our fantastic and tumultuous relationship, but I can see that true to form, Buttons still has a glow about her. I turn her over, and even though her face still lights up, I know I must get her to a hospital immediately. So, I pick her up and ask her to find me a hospital. Even in her cracked up state, she knows I’m not talking about some district hospital for klutzes who can’t walk down stairs, but a mobile phone hospital that can perform phone screen repair for iPhones with owners who search for silly shite while walking down the stairs. At this point, Buttons and I are both grateful that I was smart enough to outfit her with a stylish, durable, and super protective iPhone shock absorbing cover. Wait, surely you figured out by now that Buttons is my iPhone, right?
Don’t look at me in that tone of voice…you know damned well that your phone is your best friend too. Like a dog, they are always there for you, love you even if you ignore them for a little while and are not afraid to dive headlong into the toilet. But better than a dog because…well, no poop! Also, repairing a cracked iPhone screen is cheaper than a vet visit! On the one hand, a phone never licks your face, but on the other hand, again, the cost of phone screen repair is easily offset by the fact that the phone never licks your face! Enough of that! I’m not saying one is better than the other. If you want a dog, have a dog, but I’ll bet more people have a mobile phone and no dog than have a dog and no mobile phone.
So, in my life at least, the mobile phone hospital is the most frequented emergency facility. If, like Buttons, your best friend is often sporting an ugly, cracked iPhone screen, you don’t need to cry in the fetal position on your bed after eating a big tub of ice cream. Let that remain the ritual for when that idiot you’ve been dating finally breaks up with you, and you have to pretend to be devastated so you can lay in bed and eat a whole tub of ice cream. A cracked iPhone screen used to be a big deal, but my town has a competent mobile phone hospital offering reasonably priced phone screen repair, you’ll find that a cracked iPhone screen is such a minor inconvenience that you’ll be tempted to toss your version of Buttons down the stairs just to count the number of somersaults.